- Jan 7
- 7 min read

The Perks, Plight, and Psychology of Pick Me Girls

Updated: Mar 16

Imagine you're surrounded by your gal pals, who are all raving about the latest football game or F1 race, and suddenly, you can't help but wonder whether they are genuinely interested in cars and football or only trying to fit in with the "boys". Have they shown interest in, frankly, an awful lot of "stuff" that you thought only boys liked? Do they jump on the classic "I'm not like other girls" bandwagon whenever they can? And if so, could it be that your girlfriends are pick me girls, probably in denial, desperately seeking validation in a world that still sees femininity as inferior to masculinity?

What Is A Pick Me Girl?

First, we have to understand who a pick me girl is, where the term comes from, and why. It is a relatively recent slang phrase that gained popularity on social media platforms, particularly Twitter, and gained traction as a way to critique or mock women who seemed to prioritize gaining male approval over authentic self-expression. It's a term coined to describe those women who are all too eager to please men and distance themselves from "crazy feminists". Let's open the umbrella and understand.

Think about two groups: "not like other girls" and "boss women". I picked this analogy from a video on YouTube by the amazing Khadija Mbowe. Now, "not like other girls" brag about not having female friends or not enjoying the company of women as much as they enjoy the company of men. They do not like traditionally feminine things, which sets them apart from "other women". Long story short, they reject all things feminine and want to become "one of the boys". Then came "boss women", who do not reject feminity and want the same domination and power as privileged men. They see "not like other girls" as women who are betraying sisterhood. Boss women don't want to become "one of the boys", but instead want to achieve everything men do while remaining women and not rejecting femininity.

Now, a pick-me girl is part "not like other women" and part "boss woman". She wants to seize power or be in power, but she also thinks of herself as better than other women. She preserves gender roles, where a man is a man and a woman is a woman. She puts other women down, especially in a group setting with men, to get "picked". She wants to create an image of herself as 'unique' and 'different'. But it's not that simple. More about this later.

For now, let me paint a picture, an 'easier-to-understand' (and not the most accurate) picture if you will. Have you seen these women on Instagram who work at the Deloittes or the Zomatos of the corporate world, travel to the Maldives or London with their husbands, observe fasting, wear sarees, and write in their captions, "A woman looks best in a saree", and "Karwachauth is not a patriarchal custom", and "Stop blaming all men" and "My parents had an arranged marriage, and they are the happiest couple I know", and so on? You get the gist. No? Think harder. These women advocate for religious and social practices that are inherently anti-women, and they oppose 'other' women who question those practices. They sport oversized hoodies and say things like "Women are so chatty and dramatic". They love using the word 'feminazi' and sharing memes that say, "This is what actual feminism looks like".

Also Read: How Social Media is Redefining Our Response to Tragedy and Trauma

The Perks of Being a Pick Me Girl

One of the primary reasons for behaving like or being a pick me girl is perceived desirability. Some women might believe, consciously or not, that conforming to traditional gender roles and putting other women down will make them more desirable to male friends or potential romantic partners. They may also think it is better to avoid societal or interpersonal conflicts that arise from challenging traditional/patriarchal norms. It just feels easier to behave as they are expected to, and in doing so, be desirable to society. To rise in the ranks. To enjoy male "attention". Pick me women get high on men telling them, "Woah, you're so cool!". They feel validated by the people around them. Their relationships may feel stable because why not? They are never going to challenge the status quo, and men love things that do not threaten their manhood. Pick-me girls enjoy being in the inner circle of their male friends, being the "bro" in their WhatsApp groups, but in a hot and desirable way.

So if it is all utopia, then why the hell would everyone not choose to be a pick me woman? If I were a woman, I would make it my whole personality. Easy there, the writer of this article. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. Which brings us to...

The Plight of a Pick Me Girl

It can be so confusing (and hard) to be a pick me. A pick me girl has internalised misogyny, and that's her plight. She has to constantly maintain her "not like other girls" and "boss woman" personalities. She has to be the right amount of feminine and masculine, all at the same time. Feminine in terms of looks, hygiene, and appearance, and not questioning a man's intelligence and his place in the food chain. Masculine in terms of shared hobbies and interests, being "chill", effortless, and ready to go with the flow. The "beer chugging" kind.

In any man vs. woman issue, pick me girls must constantly support the men they were picked by, no matter if those men are guilty as hell. They must always look for validation from men and actively try to keep up with what men expect from them. They must live a double life, burying their personalities, opinions, and rationality deep down, maybe killing them too. They must start to believe that their choices and wants are their own, and they are not what the writer of this article is making them to be.

Again, let me describe vaguely what (or who) the pick me girl puts up with. If the 'dude' she seeks thinks Ronaldo is better than Messi, or Kabir Singh is just a movie, or Elon Musk is a visionary, or period leaves for females are unfair, or Taylor Swift sucks, or communism has killed more people than capitalism, then she feels this subconscious pressure of nodding her head and agreeing with the 'dude' so that he sees her as 'so cool' and 'open-minded' and 'wifey material'. She cannot express how objectively stupid and ignorant the dude is. She must put on the appearance of a hot, laidback girl who is not offended by sexist jokes, can be fun around the dude's friends, and can be a womanly woman around the dude's family. Isn't that what most men want from a woman? The conventionally hot girl, who is a low-maintenance girlfriend, is not emotionally demanding and will not question the man. The "perfect girlfriend". That is her plight right there. To live a life where she accepts and lives with the patriarchal notions designed to make women feel their worth is exactly what is provided to them by men. At the same time, she has to adopt "masculine" interests to be accepted and validated. It means living in a world where her worth is based on her ability to conform to someone else's expectations.

The Psychology of a Pick Me Girl

What makes pick me women...um...them? The pick me girl is just one of the ways our society has conditioned women into hating themselves. It is a defence mechanism to protect herself from the realization that her personality traits, interests, and habits may be seen as unattractive by society. It usually starts when women are teenagers, and societal expectations, peer pressure, and a desire for validation can be particularly intense. When a girl stops being like other girls, she finds herself approved of and wanted by like-minded men, and so, she develops a taste for it. And now she begins to connect with men through their interests. The focus is on seeking external approval rather than embracing authentic self-expression. She has a superficial understanding of what draws male attention and then develops her entire personality around it. As we read earlier, it's the validation they get from men and the fear of being labelled as "difficult" or "unlikeable." It's just easier to go with the flow and not rock the boat, you know.

Who Is Getting Hurt?

This is not an attack on pick me girls. Can a woman not choose whatever she wants to be? What is so wrong with women choosing traditional gender roles? Going back to how I started this piece, am I saying that all women who like football and F1 are pick me girls?

The answer is no (if you are still reading). Women should be allowed to be whoever they want to be, whether that's a "pick me" girl or a "crazy feminist." They should be able to express their opinions and desires without fear of judgment or rejection. A pick me girl might actually enjoy "masculine" hobbies like video games, sports, or whatever. (What do I know? I am the man who would want to date a pick me girl because a. I am problematic, and b. of course, I don't understand women.)

What makes a pick me girl her own enemy, is her better-than-thou attitude about not being feminine. Let me say it again. "Masculine" interests and male friends don't make her a pick me girl. It's about whether or not she puts other women down. It's a result of a culture of misogyny—one that hurts pick me girls, too. We are taught to judge and stereotype women from a young age, so much so that some women end up harming themselves and their gender. The problem is that, pick me women want to dictate "how to be a woman" to all women in the world. The problem is when they choose not to ask questions, not demand their rights, and not stand up for other women because they cannot give away the perceived advantages of being a pick me. Or when they stop seeing their decisions as personal and start believing that their way is the only way to practice "womanhood". Or when they hurt other women (and inadvertently themselves) by attacking feminism because that's not "their idea" of feminism. Then we have a problem, damn it.